Pay Your Debt to Society

Got a ticket from the Audience Police?  This is the place to brush up on the rules so you don’t embarrass yourself in another concert situation. We are talking about formal performances here. This includes choral and orchestral concerts, formal recitals, plays and musicals, and many religious events.

Many of the rules apply to less formal concert situations as well, but please don’t give a ticket to the big dude with the tattoos who applauds within a set at an Iron Butterfly show. Consider yourself warned.

The rules all fit under one heading: Respect. [cue Aretha]

Respect Performers

Don’t sing along. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir can handle the Battle Hymn of the Republic just fine without your help. If the piece is not indicated as a sing-along, don’t trouble yourself.

Don’t applaud within a set. The pauses between movements in a symphony and the breaks within a song cycle do not indicate the end. By applauding there, you indicate that you wish it were. Rule of thumb: wait for the conductor to step down from the podium if you are unsure.

Don’t do unnecessarily loud things. Everybody coughs or sneezes sometimes, but if you have tuberculosis, sit in the foyer until you can control yourself. Many performance recordings are ruined by inconsiderate people with diseases. If you bring cough drops, don’t bring the ones with crinkly wrappers. Don’t give in to the sudden urge to undo your Velcro shoes. Don’t practice origami with loud paper. You spend all day making noise; take the concert as your time off.

Turn off your cell phone and leave your digital watch at home. Even on their silent settings, mobile phones and pagers can interfere with sound equipment and make strange noises. To allow a cellular phone to ring in a performance is inexcusable and should be punishable by lengthy banishment. Your digital watch can be just as bad when the alarm goes off or it beeps automatically on the hour. Get yourself a classy analog watch, perhaps on a fob in your vest pocket.

Respect Others

Turn off your cell phone. Didn’t we mention this? Yes, and most theaters do before the show. Yet some people insist on texting, playing games, surfing the web, or even talking on the phone during the performance, thinking that by whispering they are somehow undetectable to the hundreds of others in the audience who came to hear a show and not a personal telephone conversation. Do not just silence it – turn it off.

Do not talk or whisper during the show. Intermissions are designed for stretching, using the facilities, and making lively conversation about what’s happening on stage. You can wait until then.

If your child is making noise, take him or her out. Yes, you came to see the show, but when you put yourself in the position to have a child in the first place, you took upon yourself the obligation to manage his or her behavior in public spaces. When little Hortense is making a fuss, take her to the foyer. If little Alouicious needs to use the restroom, take him. You won’t miss that much of the performance. If your child is not old enough to be left with a babysitter, then he or she is not old enough to be toted to the theater, either.

Leave and enter at appropriate times.  Unless you’re removing a screaming child or experiencing explosive intestinal distress, enter or leave the auditorium only during the applause between songs (or between scenes in a play).  Make these trips infrequent and efficient, especially if you are in the middle of the row.

Shower before the show. A theater is a place where many people are packed into a small space to witness an event together. If you stink, you are unlikely to make friends in your row.

Minimize other odors. Some people are allergic to perfumes and colognes, and the rest of us probably just don’t want to smell yours. If you smoke, don’t assume that an extra splash of Old Spice will make you less repulsive. Instead, wear clean clothes and refrain from smoking for the brief period between your most recent shower and the final curtain.

Establish and maintain appropriate armrest boundaries. You do have a right to use the armrest on a theater seat, but be willing to share it. Come to an unspoken agreement with your neighbor on one of the three universally acceptable armrest-sharing positions: “side by side,” “front and back,” or “Go ahead; I don’t need it.”

Applaud tastefully. Besides knowing when to applaud, you should know how to applaud well. Clap your hands repeatedly. Do not scream, shout, whistle, or use devices such as air horns. If you are especially moved by a performance, you may stand. If you are elitist and want to look classy, you may say Bravo! during the applause, but be careful! Bravo! is gender-specific: say Bravo! for a male performer, Brava! for a female performer, and Bravi! for an ensemble. So if you are applauding the male conductor, you may shout Bravo!, but when you applaud the entire orchestra, you should say Bravi!. Really, it’s better not to say anything at all to avoid looking like a windbag.

If you are at a concert where you personally know one of the performers, be kind and applaud all the performers vigorously. After all, you hope others will do the same for your little granddaughter Gertrude in the role of Chorus Member #5.

Act like an honored guest. An honored guest does not put his or her gum under the seats. An honored guest does not kick the seats, crawl on the furniture, cause property damage, or make obscene gestures or remarks when something is less than perfect. Respect the show and the people who have come to watch it, and they will honor and entertain you.

Help Others

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. Now that you understand how to act civilized at a concert, why not share this exciting knowledge with others? Print your Audience Police tickets here.